Pirates — K. Hunt

If the world were still flat
We may never have heard of pirates
They would be too easy to sea

Visibility is the pirate’s natural enemy
And the reason they push the fashion compromise
Of one working eye – as a symbol

Of the many things to know about pirates
One thing for sure is they’ve
No time for scurvy dogs
Except for those little ones left at home
Affectionately called “Little Scurvies”

Other than that, you may not know what a pirate is thinking

They have homes, but are usually away on business
For pirates have little use for terra firma in the end
Except as a place to (another compromise) hide treasure
For this same reason they’re usually buried at see

Nor do pirates take advice well
Even over cappuccinos
They cannot be relied on to take two lemons then
Summon the sawbones in the morning
Or call the Starbuck’s girl after haggling for her number for weeks

Nor do they have nightmares
(Which are clearly beyond the mandate)
Only bad dreams about things
Like toothbrushes and salads
Other natural enemies of pirates

Most refuse to floss, waiting instead for new stuff to push old stuff away

Once one snatched away a lady’s glad, it is said
My own great great great great granny had some to tea
Then had to buy new china
Her fondness for pirates slackening after that
As her memoirs attest

They may kick over your sandcastle just for fun
Not your fun though
Throw your bucket and shovel into the briny
Forever imperil your memories of days at beaches
While you, accepting your fate, walk stoically to water’s edge to retrieve them
Oblivious to advice and chuckles

You, who would rather live by the see than the sword

Pirates are bad most agree
Though the heart’s court can be a stormy see
So some feel otherwise

Like vampires, they’re typically hard to defend
Their lives are made of planks, brigs, and the old salty sauna instead
They shy away from the docket as they do style books
Thinking as little of grammar in speech as when writing odes

Pirates don’t think either of other people’s needs in the way many of us do
Proof being they rarely volunteer or get seen soliciting donations
Outside the Army & Navy on behalf of poor folks

And their favourite letter is not R as many believe
Nor is their true love as thought the burly C
For as pirates know whether born or wrought
It’s the X marks the spot

Inquirious, you may not have seen a pirate’s “to do” list:
1) Scurvy dogs – eliminate
2) Tax collectors – annihilate as required
3) Glory on high sees [seas]
4) Good times in port
5) Sharpen cutlas

Knowing what a pirate is thinking is invaluable
The rule is good pirates avoid killing the host
That is their greatest strength

In short, if it can’t be filched, they don’t care a fig for it
Say, “Aaarrrh” a lot, their blood-spattered barristers advise
It is ambiguous on documents but believable

Now that the world is round again
Pirates have always been and always will be
At least as long as the seaz is wet